just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I can't turn off my feet"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize