not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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