he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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