i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
