ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
