if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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