My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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