How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
