How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
