the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
