Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The best revenge is premature balding
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize