I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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