I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
