____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I died a long time ago.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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