did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
