yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize