i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
