i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
time to smoke my breakfast
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
