No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
