Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
