On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
