Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
