Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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