You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
