I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
