My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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