Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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