Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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