Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
