I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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