Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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