my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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