Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
