I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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