After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
