Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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