when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize