i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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