Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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