its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Pooping to opera.
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