Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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