Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
