I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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