Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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