I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
