I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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