Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
