I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
