she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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