I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
