I think I won the penis lottery.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
