Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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