dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
