Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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