She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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