I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
