I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
