ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
