Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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