Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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