I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
