she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize