apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
